WE HAVE TALKED quite a bit about rapport building, and pacing was a key part of that. Pacing the breath, that is, breathing at the same rate as someone else, is an example. What you say is also a really important resource for pacing. When you pace a person's current experience, you are simply bringing their experience into what you are saying somehow. This makes what you are saying more invisible and trustworthy at the same time. It creates a kind of momentum that gives power to other things you will say.
For example, "As you feel the surface you are on, and hear the sound of my voice, the relaxation you're starting to feel allows you to take an easy, slow breath."
Source: (Page 626 of "The Big Book Of NLP")
Pacing and Leading
ONCE YOU have done enough pacing, the person is ready for you to not merely MATCH their state with pacing, but to LEAD them into whatever state is necessary for what you are doing. As in the previous example, where we insert an easy, slow breath, we are encouraging deeper relaxation.
Notice that we don't tell the person to relax, we cultivate a state of relaxation by supporting the physiology of relaxation.
Better yet, we are pacing and leading at the same time, because we timed the easy slow breath with one that was already taking place in the other person. That means
that that was just the beginning of leading, where we are punching up the awareness of the state that we want to increase.
This is called kindling, where an existing state is reinforced and supported so that it will become dominant and rise above the other states that are, in a sense, competing for dominance in the person.
As the state increases, your leading can become increased as well, as with the statement, "As your relaxation deepens, the remaining muscles that feel some tension can absorb this relaxation, making your inhale seem to fill more of your body."
Pacing & Matching
"You MEET people at their own level, just as you don't discuss philosophy with a baby learning to talk . .. you make NOISES at the baby" - Dr. Milton H. Erickson
Pacing and matching are important to modeling and rapportbuilding. Practicing this pattern sharpens your awareness of people and their subconscious communications. When you specifically pace a person's model of the world, you can better understand their perspective, as well as be much better able to build rapport.
Pacing involves matching elements of another person's body language and speech in ways that tend to improve rapport. Pacing is not mirroring, because you are
not attempting to fully imitate the person. Rather, you are integrating various elements of their style into your own.
For example, if you use the same levels of vocabulary, the person will feel more comfortable with you. If you fake their accent, however, they will feel offended.
Because of the way this can help you build empathy and understanding of other people, you could say that you are pacing the person's model of the world. The other person's sense or intuition that you understand them and can relate to them obviously improves rapport. This improvement in rapport also occurs unconsciously.
Pacing could be compared with method acting, in which the actor enters another person's reality, by finding it within him or herself. This takes pacing to a higher level, in which you are able to embrace the other person's frame of reference.
Sandler and Grinder have found that you call enhance pacing by matching predicates, that is, their primary rep system references. If they "see" your point, you would
appreciate them "viewing" it favorably, because they are referring to their visual rep system.
Practice pacing with people as you go about your day. Try it anywhere and everywhere. Start by erring toward being too subtle, and work your way into more complete
pacing. That way, you won't offend anyone. If you are in an anonymous situation, where it doesn't matter if you appear eccentric, try more extreme pacing and see
what it takes for people to actually give you a funny look. You may be surprised at how fully you can pace without a problem. Instead of following steps, you can practice this pattern by improvising from these instructions.
The most influential hypnotherapist, the late Dr. Milton H. Erickson, described one of the classical examples of the Pacing & Matching pattern. Check out the quote in the beginning of this chapter, I chose this one on purpose.
Dr. Milton H. Erickson tells about a client he had, an autistic child. In his words, from the book Phoenix Therapeutic Pattems Of Milton H Erickson, written by David Gordon:
"And she brought the girl in, and introduced the girl to me and me to the girl. And the girl made a number of weird sounds and so I REPLIED with weird sounds, and we grunted and groaned and squeaked and squawked for about half an hour. And then the girl answered a few simple questions and very promptly returned to her autistic behavior. And we really had a good time squeaking and squawking and grunting and groaning at each other. And then she took the patient back to the hospital. In the night time she took the patient for a walk. She told me later, "that girl almost pulled my arm off, yanking me down the street, she wanted to see you ... the one man who could really talk her language".
ONCE YOU have done enough pacing, the person is ready for you to not merely MATCH their state with pacing, but to LEAD them into whatever state is necessary for what you are doing. As in the previous example, where we insert an easy, slow breath, we are encouraging deeper relaxation.
Notice that we don't tell the person to relax, we cultivate a state of relaxation by supporting the physiology of relaxation.
Better yet, we are pacing and leading at the same time, because we timed the easy slow breath with one that was already taking place in the other person. That means
that that was just the beginning of leading, where we are punching up the awareness of the state that we want to increase.
This is called kindling, where an existing state is reinforced and supported so that it will become dominant and rise above the other states that are, in a sense, competing for dominance in the person.
As the state increases, your leading can become increased as well, as with the statement, "As your relaxation deepens, the remaining muscles that feel some tension can absorb this relaxation, making your inhale seem to fill more of your body."
(Page 627 of "The Big Book Of NLP")
Pacing & Matching
"You MEET people at their own level, just as you don't discuss philosophy with a baby learning to talk . .. you make NOISES at the baby" - Dr. Milton H. Erickson
Pacing and matching are important to modeling and rapportbuilding. Practicing this pattern sharpens your awareness of people and their subconscious communications. When you specifically pace a person's model of the world, you can better understand their perspective, as well as be much better able to build rapport.
Pacing involves matching elements of another person's body language and speech in ways that tend to improve rapport. Pacing is not mirroring, because you are
not attempting to fully imitate the person. Rather, you are integrating various elements of their style into your own.
For example, if you use the same levels of vocabulary, the person will feel more comfortable with you. If you fake their accent, however, they will feel offended.
Because of the way this can help you build empathy and understanding of other people, you could say that you are pacing the person's model of the world. The other person's sense or intuition that you understand them and can relate to them obviously improves rapport. This improvement in rapport also occurs unconsciously.
Pacing could be compared with method acting, in which the actor enters another person's reality, by finding it within him or herself. This takes pacing to a higher level, in which you are able to embrace the other person's frame of reference.
Sandler and Grinder have found that you call enhance pacing by matching predicates, that is, their primary rep system references. If they "see" your point, you would
appreciate them "viewing" it favorably, because they are referring to their visual rep system.
Practice pacing with people as you go about your day. Try it anywhere and everywhere. Start by erring toward being too subtle, and work your way into more complete
pacing. That way, you won't offend anyone. If you are in an anonymous situation, where it doesn't matter if you appear eccentric, try more extreme pacing and see
what it takes for people to actually give you a funny look. You may be surprised at how fully you can pace without a problem. Instead of following steps, you can practice this pattern by improvising from these instructions.
The most influential hypnotherapist, the late Dr. Milton H. Erickson, described one of the classical examples of the Pacing & Matching pattern. Check out the quote in the beginning of this chapter, I chose this one on purpose.
Dr. Milton H. Erickson tells about a client he had, an autistic child. In his words, from the book Phoenix Therapeutic Pattems Of Milton H Erickson, written by David Gordon:
"And she brought the girl in, and introduced the girl to me and me to the girl. And the girl made a number of weird sounds and so I REPLIED with weird sounds, and we grunted and groaned and squeaked and squawked for about half an hour. And then the girl answered a few simple questions and very promptly returned to her autistic behavior. And we really had a good time squeaking and squawking and grunting and groaning at each other. And then she took the patient back to the hospital. In the night time she took the patient for a walk. She told me later, "that girl almost pulled my arm off, yanking me down the street, she wanted to see you ... the one man who could really talk her language".
(Page 52 of "The Big Book Of NLP")
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