Behavioral Mirroring
In behavioral mirroring, you match behaviors that have symbolic meaning. They are mostly subconscious. In fact, the more subconscious they are, the better they are to mirror. After all, no one can think you're imitating them if you are imitating something they don't know they're doing, can they?
But what about being either masculine or feminine with the opposite sex. I mean, aren't you supposed to be different? Doesn't the opposite sex expect this? Well, yes
and no. Remember, you are not completely giving up your actual personality. You are just adjusting certain things.
Did you know that when men talk to women, many tend to use a somewhat higher voice?
Apparently many people already do a certain amount of mirroring, whether they know it or not. It makes sense that we would evolve with some subconscious rapport-building instincts. After all, these abilities have contributed to our ability to survive and to procreate.
We know that the brain's neurons that are in charge of empathy and connecting with other feelings are called mirror neurons. Autistic people have difficulty with rapport building because they have less mirror neurons. Autistic people that are high-functioning enough to be concerned about rapport-building have to work extra hard at learning these skills because they are not as good with this kind of sensory acuity on an instinctual level. It has to start out as a much more conscious process.
Getting back to the idea of how we are supposed to be different across genders, consider this. Let's say a man is talking with a woman. She is a purchaser for a clothing company and the man is a sales rep for a textile mill.
He picks up from her behavior that she has worked her way up, she did not get her job because she was a college graduate with an impressive grade point average. He also sees from her skin tone and scent that, although she tries to hide it, she smokes. Her accent tells him that she is from a conservative and religious part of the country.
She happens to make a couple comments that are a little judgmental about people, comments that tell you she feels that people who are different are that way because
they want to be eccentric or difficult, or just irresponsible. This is not someone you admit to that you are taking antidepressants.
The man matches her by displaying the qualities that she obviously respects, and mentioning items of personal history that match what she believes in. If he earned something through hard work, that gets mentioned in passing.
If he has a degree, he completely drops the big words and abstract ideas from his speech, except for ideas that he can communicate in a very plain way.
She is from the south of the United States, and he knows that there is a literary tradition of commenting on things with dry humor, like Mark Twain did. He uses his humor in a plain but insightful and a little bit cynical way. His humor is at the expense of the rich, not the poor, and at the expense of marginal people, not regular
people.
If he is church going, he drops a comment about his involvement. He may share things about going to visit family with his immediate family members so she knows he
values family.
Although he uses similar body movements, he does it with the kind of masculine quality that she expects, but in a gentle way that allows her to feel relaxed and connected.
While he's at it, he does the other physical mirroring that we have talked about, such as posture and breathing.
Symbolic Mirroring
Notice how we have gone beyond physical mirroring to include things of symbolic value. This is symbolic mirroring, and the symbolic behavior is often subconscious behavior. And we have seen that you can combine symbolic and physical mirroring.
This combination of symbolic and physical mirroring is very powerful. This same sales person probably has a wardrobe that is quite different for each area of the country that he visits.
There is an engineer who happens to have autism and who works in the cattle industry. She wears western clothes, complete with the trimming and pearl buttons. This helps her have rapport with the cattle industry people that she works with.
Since she is autistic, it is important for her to do what she can to improve her rapport. But it is an odd idea, an autistic person in a western getup.
Yet, this person became so good with rapport skills, that she was able to get the cattle industry to adopt a very stringent set of rules for humane treatment of animals. Her name is Temple Grandin. She used her leverage with the McDonalds Corporation, which does business with so many of the vendors, as a powerful strategy for
inducing change.
This is a person who knows how to create well-formed outcomes. As an engineer with an analytical mind, she got a head start on how to do a well-formed outcome. Isn't it interesting how she has serious weaknesses as well as powerful strengths. She chose to go with her strengths to create a career and even engage in transformational
leadership.
Anyone who saw her as a child, unable to speak for years, and throwing tantrums because of her frustrations, would never have predicted her success.
We know of an individual who wanted to become more persuasive to conservative people. So he wrote a piece that expressed some of his liberal ideas, but using the same
language as the conservatives.
The result was that some liberals became angry at him for writing conservative rubbish. That symbolic aspect of the words he used was more powerful than the actual
meaning of the words. Never underestimate the power of subconscious symbols and how they play with rep systems.
For practice in looking for subconscious symbols, look to advertisements. For example, when there is an ad for a drug on television, notice how the commercial changes when they talk about the possible side effects of the medication. Notice how the music, acting, body language, colors and other aspects change to make that portion
less memorable.
Notice how they give the impression that the drug is highly effective, whether it actually is or not. In one commercial, the main character is a cartoon of a bee with large eyes. During the part about side effects, his eyes get very droopy.
Exchanged Matches
Not all your mirroring has to use the same parts of the body, just as your symbolic mirroring does not necessarily use exactly the same words.
For example, NLP teaches that you can make a motion such as finger taps that match the rhythm of the breath, rather than breathing to the breath timing yourself. This is called an exchanged match. You are exchanging body parts, but matching the rhythm or other mirroring aspect.
If you are a man and you're matching a woman in front of you, avoid looking at her breasts, trying to figure out her breathing pattern! You will get caught, and using the excuse "I was trying to match your breathing" will not work in this case, I believe. look at her shoulders instead; those tiny movement up and down will give you a hint on the breathing pattern she is using, and by applying exchanged matching you can move your leg or hand up and down accordingly.
You will be surprised to find out that in such a case of exchanged matching a breathing pattern, if you increase the speed of your matched movement, their breathing becomes faster! And if you slow it down, their breathing also becomes deeper and slower. Did you notice that sometimes when there's an angry person shouting and making a fuss, someone will try to come him down by moving their hands palms-down in a rhythmic motion, "hey, slow down, it's Ok, we can find a solution to this problem ... "
Here's a quote about Mirroring and Rapport from the book NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, by NLP Comprehensive, Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner
"Fitting in is a powerful human need. We all have many examples of these behaviors, because we do them already. They are all based on some form of being similar, familiar or alike. Finding ways to be alike reduces our differences, and so we find the common ground upon which to base a relationship".
Overview: The Mirroring Pattern
Step #1: Select the subject
Step #2: Conduct the conversation while mirroring the person
Step #3: Exercise your rapport: Test your intuition and understanding of the person
Step #4: Exercise your influence by shifting your attitude and physiology
Step #5: TEST!
Step #1. Select the subject.
Select someone for a conversation. Don't tell them that you will be mirroring them.
Step #2. Conduct the conversation while mirroring the person.
During the conversation, ask their opinions on various topics.
Mirror their physiology, including factors such as the tenor and cadence of their speech, and body language such as gestures. Do this subtly.
If you need help maintaining the dialog, use active listening. This involves showing that you understand what they are saying by rephrasing their contributions.
Beginning with a phrase such as, "You mean ... " or "So you're saying ... " As you mirror, add elements such as their breathing as much as possible. Notice how you
feel as rapport between you two develops.
Step 3. Exercise your rapport: Test your intuition and understanding of the person.
Test your ability to understand through rapport. Try out your intuitions about what they are saying. Can you guess their opinion before they express it?
If you agree, try expressing the opinion yourself, and see how this affects rapport. If you express the opinion in a less certain manner, the person may gain pleasure
from holding forth to reassure you that the opinion is correct, and to demonstrate their mastery of the subject.
This helps establish you as a positive ANCHOR. Highly effective rapport can gain information about the other person that you can learn to pull out of your subconscious, making you feel as though you are psychic. This is very useful in modeling.
Step #4. Exercise your influence by shifting your attitude and physiology.
Test your ability to influence others through rapport.
Try shifting your attitude and physiology (e.g., breath pace, facial expression, body language) in what you consider to be a desirable or possible direction.
For example, shifting from a resentful or angry state gradually into a more constructive or powerful state. If you do this with some care, the other party is likely to shift with you. This has enormous value in areas such as sales, leadership and coaching.
step #5. Test.
Explore these skills of "pacing and leading" in your relationships.
Think of situations in which you could use these skills to improve your personal life or career performance.
Notice what outcomes you get, and refine these skills as you go.
Additional Advice
When NOT to Mirror or Match
There are things that you should not mirror. For example, if someone is getting aggressive and trying to be the alpha dog, you need to be more creative than just acting aggressive.
However, if you show an aggressive attitude about something that the other person is judgmental about, this can form a very powerful bond, plus, it can be fun to
shout.
If you are comfortable with your aggressive side, you can adopt a posture that reflects that you are basically an aggressive person, yet not display aggression toward the person.
Adopt a quality that is more like you are both on the same team.
This is a little bit like dealing with people who need attention very badly and don't have very good emotional control, such as people with borderline personality disorder. Mirroring people with very intense needs is much more of an art form and not a good place to start practicing.
If you need to, though, you can do mild mirroring of body language without giving the impression that you think your needs are greater than theirs. You can also, on the symbolic level, share the kinds of resentments and other things that the person tends to focus on.
By staying within the world that they mentally live in, you do not alienate them by intimidating them with a larger world.
These individuals can easily collapse into feeling very threatened or inferior, and this can cause them to go out of their way to undermine you. This can include something called triangulation, where they pit other people against you. This can even include your boss, or legal authorities. Rapport is very important with these individuals, as well as being well-protected against any ways they might try to undermine you.
After you have general rapportbuilding skills, you will be ready do use them with people who have needs that are more intense than average, if you are so inclined. This is especially the area of psychotherapists, physicians, and other professionals who tend to deal with people in distress.
For example, you will learn that once you can gain rapport, you can use this to lead people or alter their state in, positive ways. The pattern or mirroring and changing behavior of others is called pacing and leading.
With people who are suffering, you do not mirror their suffering, you just stick with mirroring the general physical and symbolic items that make them comfortable with you, so that they can feel okay about expressing themselves.
If you feel some of the state they are in, that is enough to you to feel more empathy, and for them to know that you do.
Some of you listeners, however, are already highly empathic, and can even be overwhelmed by others feelings.
This can go two ways.
You may find that mirroring is technical enough that it helps keep you from being overwhelmed or distracted by the other persons feelings when they are in distress.
On the other hand, if this is not so; if you still feel too much of their feelings, then you are probably already mirroring them so much that you are inducing their state in yourself too strongly.
In that case, you will actually need to learn how to tone down your mirroring in at least some aspects, especially the physical aspects. Better yet, you can use NLP
to find and change your strategy for feeling overwhelmed. You can start with what internal representations you have about the suffering of others.
Nurses, therapists and social workers are often people who do a lot of subconscious mirroring without any training in it.
But what if someone catches you mimicking him or her?
If someone feels that you are mimicking him or her, they are probably aware of NLP and mirroring. If they seem uncomfortable or offended, the best response is typically to back off of the physical mirroring, but maintain the symbolic mirroring without getting carried away.
CREDITS FOR THE creation of this NLP pattern belong to Richard Bandler and John Grinder.
"The most effective way to achieve right relations with any living thing is to look for the best in it, and then help that best into the fullest expression" ~ Allen J. Boone
(Page 60 of "The Big Book Of NLP")
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